I have a really smart (and Mormon) friend named Betsy. Whenever we
get together, we end up talking about recent popular articles about
dating and marriage since she has written a number of articles on the
same (including
a chapter in this book,
this article and
this article). Last time we talked, she told me that reading Lori Gottlieb's book (not just
Gottlieb's article by the same name),
Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, might be worth my time. Reading the book made me want to gather a lot of my thoughts, and what better time to share them than on Valentine's Day?
Though
I found Gottlieb's interviews, personal experiences, and statistics
interesting, there were a few things that really shocked me--such as the
fact that a LOT of women, even short women, are looking for really tall
guys. Being short myself, I've never thought much about height. There
was one time that I went out with a guy and realized that wearing boots
made me feel a bit tall next to him, but I never considered height a
determining factor in a relationship. Gottlieb has a hard time budging
at all on her height requirement even though she is also quite short.
And though I have been member to the "he's too skinny" or "he's too
chubby" party, I've nevertheless had great relationships with guys
fitting those descriptions. Sure, I've also complained about ridiculous
things like prematurely grey hair, big pores (I'm rolling my eyes with
you), and
unattractive shoes, but in the end I've realized those things aren't as important as other things.
Gottlieb discusses the feeling that many people have--that one can
eliminate the possibility of a relationship within one date or one
email. As it turns out, many of the successful relationships in the book
didn't start out with any kind of butterflies. Similarly, a coworker of
mine several years ago told me how she had been irritated by her future
husband when she first knew him. "The more I got
to know him," she said, "the less he annoyed me." I shook my head in
disbelief. How come she even gave him the chance to stop annoying her
when instead of butterflies, she felt annoyance? I remember wondering a
few years ago if I was too old to feel butterflies. But when it really
comes down to it, it's not butterflies I'm looking for--it's mutual
constancy, support, help, comfortable companionship, and goals. When
Mormon Church leaders describe marriage as “a solemn responsibility to
love and care for each other,” I don't see a clear link to butterflies,
and I no longer think there needs to be one.
Gottlieb
also mentions the problem of too many choices. Modern dating is so
unlimited in its numbers that it can be problematic. I think we all know
the feeling of going to get something at the store and being so
overwhelmed by the different choices that we end up making no choice at
all. Or, alternatively, we buy one option only to forever wonder if we
should have bought another. We don't want to fully commit because we
want to try them all, and the same problem can happen when an online
dating site or even a Mormon singles conference shows us thousands of
options.
Gottlieb's book is great at convincing its
readers to go out with people they wouldn't normally go out with, to
create soul mates by actively loving them, and to narrow down
relationship needs to only three items.
But Gottlieb
doesn't say much about sex. I think she should. As unpopular as a
conservative view on sex may be today, according to statistics that my
friend Betsy has gathered, people who save sex for marriage are more
satisfied sexually. And I think that when both of you wait, the
commitment level goes up. After all, you're not giving it away lightly.
You're not only asking, "Is this someone I want to be with the rest of
my life?" you're also asking, "Is this someone I'm willing and ready to
give myself away to that way?" (Basically, I want to quote huge sections
of
Betsy's articles. I really think you should read at least
one.)
However, I realize that most readers of this blog (and of Gottlieb's
book) have already made a decision about sex one way or the other. To
those who aren't as conservative, let me just say that there is such a
thing as re-committed virginity and I believe it can be just as
rewarding. For the record, I think the idea of sexual faithfulness to
one's future spouse is the most romantic notion out there, and it can be
realistic as well.
Gottlieb also doesn't comment much
on communication, which is something that is so important to me. Every
time I watch any kind of chick flick (as well as other kinds of movies,
actually), it seems like the conflict can be boiled down to
communication. If people would just talk to each other, so many problems
would be solved! And can't the same concept be applied to dating and
relationships and marriages? There are, of course, horrible
communication failures in Gottlieb's book, such as the woman who broke
up with a man because he was doing something minuscule that bugged her.
When asked if she'd talked to him about it, she said, "No. He should
have already known not to do that." If that one thing was all the woman
could complain about, how successful could that relationship have been
if they had worked on the behavior together? She gave up the rest of the
benefits of the relationship because he "should have" known something?
Of course the naysayer in us can say, "Well, maybe he would have reacted
badly and refused to change the behavior." True. But what if he'd
simply said, "Oh, okay. I didn't realize that was annoying"? Or what if
she'd learned to look past that annoying behavior, like my friend did?
Fears hold people back from commitment. We fear messy divorces and
boring lives, but one of Betsy Vandenberghe's sentences really drove the fact home
that I actually want what could be considered a boring life: "[S]o, some bloggers are correct in accusing
marriage of lacking
excitement, if by that they mean it consists of economic stability, less
stress, and fewer doctor visits."
Gottlieb talks
about marriage being a business arrangement (arranged marriages are
working better than un-arranged marriages, she points out), and how even
though that sounds unromantic to modern ears, it's helpful to think of
it that way. She's changed her viewpoint from looking for the guy she is
proud to show off and who has no issues (not possible) to someone who
will help her lead an economically stable life and who will get up in
the night when the child cries. That sounds boring when paired with a
romantic movie, but it sounds satisfying and safe, doesn't it?
Betsy has also shown me statistics about couples who considered getting
divorces and didn't. As it turns out, in the long run, most couples are
extremely glad they stayed together. Even after the stress of conflict, spouses enjoy more stability, they're
healthier, and their children are happier. Marriage is a piece of work.
Dean Larsen said, “Marriage is not an easy venture. It is largely a
one-time-through, do-it yourself project for the husband and wife. I
repeatedly encounter the illusion today, especially among younger
people, that perfect marriages happen simply if the right two people
come together. This is untrue. Marriages don’t succeed automatically.
Those who build happy, secure, successful marriages pay the price to do
so. They work at it constantly.”
Many marriages
today are separated from any religious affiliation, and though the
pictures at court houses look lovely in their simplicity, I think there
is something truly beautiful and binding about making marriage a
religious covenant. After all, religious covenants are more personal
than a government's declaration that two are one. They are also stronger
than that official oath, because covenants go both ways--we promise God
to be faithful to each other and to Him, and He in turn promises to
bless us.
Gottlieb's book helped me do some good
thinking about what it is I'm looking for and what I need to improve in
myself in order to contribute to a great relationship. Though it's a
book aimed at women, I think a lot of men (including apostles who keep
trying to give motivational talks about getting married) would also
benefit from giving
Marry Him a quick read.
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