The Announcement

Wow, I got some good reactions to that hint of an announcement. Why can't people respond more often? I know a lot more people look at my blog than comment.

I am sorry it has taken me so long to get to it. I have been super stressed because I can't find a ride to Switzerland for Christmas. No matter how I arrange the different connections with the online ride service, I just couldn't schaff it because all the cars are full, which made me want to stay alone in my apartment and read novels in bed the whole break. I finally created my own trip, saying that I would rent a car and it looks like everything will work out as I've already had many people email me to ask if they could go with me.

Anyway, I apologize in advance for the length of this post, for my announcement has a history. It is a history of learning about faith--faith that the Lord will help me, faith that my life will be happy even when it doesn't go as I planned it, faith that things will somehow work out. As many of you know, I've learned to understand the Lord's "no" answers to my big decisions because they make me feel so awful--spiritually, mentally, physically. The problem is, I usually understand them after I've already taken a huge step in the wrong direction. In some ways, that's good, because I've learned to care only about what's between me and the Lord. Opinions of others may hurt or help, but they're not what's the most important. I've always hoped that I would eventually learn to recognize the Lord's "yes" answers so that I wouldn't have to make those big missteps. That's what life is about--learning to align my will with His. And yes, I am learning slowly. Very slowly. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to make more steps in the wrong direction.

This is so hard to write about. It's so close to my heart. I've known for years that I wanted to get a doctorate. I've dreamt of the days that I will have my own office where I can discuss books with students and a syllabus that scares the bejeebers out of new freshman. (Okay, so those aren't the only perks.) However, last year I debated doing a few more years of business-type things. Then I remembered the difficulties of my last job and wondered. Next, I applied for a few internships that didn't work out, which is a good thing in hindsight. In the end, I said, "Wahoo, finally a focus on literature, finally a PhD. Wahoo!" and studied like a madwoman (in the attic, ha ha) for the Literature GRE.

Here's where things really got complicated. I looked at hundreds of lists, sent hundreds of emails, spent thousands of hours preparing for PhD apps, but I just couldn't come up with a satisfactory list of schools to apply to. My heart said, "AAAAAH! Don't leave Europe yet! And wouldn't that be cool to have your PhD in three years?" and my mind said, "Those very independent, three-year European PhD programs aren't enough for you. You've still got a ways to go! Plus, if you ever wanted to get a good job in the U.S., schools there will more likely hire you if you've gone to a school they know and that is respected. And you know that you don't want to teach with just your Master's, because you may as well be teaching as a PhD student." So, my list got smaller. And then bigger. And then smaller again til it reached a very comfortable seven. And these schools' professors made me jump up and down with joy because their specialties were perfectly tied to my interests. And their financial support of PhD students made me breathe a sigh of relief.

Several friends generously helped me write my personal statement and revise my sample essays. My professors agreed to write letters of recommendations and get my grades in so that Uni Leipzig would have some kind of transcript to send. I began to fill in the online applications. It was like when I had a full-time job, except that I also had a part-time job and a Master's degree program on the side.

As I simultaneously prepared an essay for a conference, I began to see a lot of things. Like the fact that my essay writing and analysis skills still need a lot of work in comparison to my peers. And the fact that I didn't learn as much as I'd like to about literature in this Master's program as I would have liked to. Or the fact that there are still a lot of things I'd like to do that probably wouldn't happen during those three to eight years required for a PhD.

Things started getting so crazy. I was stressed and unhappy with my mediocrity and questioning if there was anything I could do well and unable to enjoy time with friends and worried about money. This also always played an important role in my other big decisions. In other words, stressed/confused beyond belief is a sign of a "no" answer.

I started wondering what would happen if I didn't get my PhD--debating the opposite choice was always a big step in all my other big decisions. But although while rushing around I dreamt of learning Chinese and/or Spanish, I pictured myself making several trips to continents I haven't yet visited, and I longed for the day that I could sleep in a bit, it wasn't like I could just not do something. Always before, I could either take the step or not, with the "not" leaving things pretty much like they were before. This time, it's different, because I have to do something next year. I can't legally stay here unless I have a job, I'm a student, or I'm married to a German.

So, I decided to marry Mike. That would be like incest, and we would drive each other crazy, so believe me when I say that was a just a joke. Despite having to do something, I began to imagine my ideal situation. Though it might sound insane to many of you, I would love to live alone in a small cabin in the mountains of Switzerland with a Bernese Mountain Dog, where I would write novels that have always been floating in my head and go for hikes or bike rides every day and not talk to anyone for weeks at a time, except to check out books at the nearest library and chat online with friends here and there. But, as we can all see, this isn't a very realistic dream, though some parts of it could become a reality. So, I did what many of you would advise: I took a Sunday to fast and pray about it. As I was in the midst of pondering, I thought, "Maybe I should read the chapters of that new book that Professor Garrett sent me [How to Get a PhD.]" I'd been putting it off a while. Opening the PDF document he'd sent, I began reading. I'm not kidding when I say that I found the following on page 2:

"If what you really want is to write a bestseller, then conducting research for a thesis is NOT the optimum way to go about it."

That sentence was the most shocking to me. The following two were also interesting:

"Perhaps you don't really know what you want to do with the rest of your life and continuing in the university system seems a good way of putting off that decision. If this is so then you have chosen an extremely difficult way of solving your particular problem."

Wow. That was kind of the first wake-up call. But I was still worried because of the lack of a replacement plan, so that night, I prayed a lot about it. Just when I was so tired and frustrated and ready to just go to sleep, my thoughts started to twist into logical shapes. (I don't know how to explain it better.) Something that hadn't occurred to me came to mind. I could apply next year. That way I could focus better on my current program, learn a lot more, re-take the GRE Literature test, improve my PhD applications. Taking a year off wouldn't be wasting time (a big fear of mine, ask my brother-in-law, who has told me before to stop rushing through life), it would be helpful. And maybe I would even find that dream job that would be worth keeping. Or maybe I would even find that dream man who would be worth marrying. As I had all these thoughts, it seemed so clear and I had immediately relief to my stress.

And so, my beloved friends who have read this far, I am not sending in my applications this year. (Aren't you glad I decided this before I paid the $500+ to apply?) And what, you might ask, am I going to do instead, once my Master's program is over?

Some ideas: Take some real organ lessons. Read a book a day like I did when I was eleven. Travel. Learn to sing correctly. Start a new language. Write a book. Play kicker. Go kayaking and hiking. Get an independent, part-time job or get a full-time job, but only if it's really awesome, like in a bakery, or at Google (yes, those two things are comparable in my mind). Go to more appointments with the missionaries.

And now you can see why this is a continuation of my learning about faith. I have no idea where I'll be (the location doesn't really matter at this point, I may just leave the EU every three months), how I'll support myself (living is much more expensive once you're not a student anymore), or what the next year holds (though that final list of schools still excites me, who knows what will happen next December?). But I know things will work out if I follow the promptings of the Lord. Here I go.

Week Highlights

I was told that I have the best English "[he's] heard in Germany." Ha ha. I love that.

I bought a new bike. I love to ride it! I got it from the Leipzig/German version of Craig's List (Das Schwarze Brett) and I only paid 30 Euros for it. See my post about bikes at my cultural comparisons blog. I should name my bike. Any ideas?













My tomato plant (singular) has grown. Barely. I should name it, too.

After the first day, my block seminar was canceled until next week.

I made some of the best bread yet. Okay, so I use bread mix, but my bread is always funny. Half of it goes down the drain because it refuses to remove itself from my hands (the mixer I used to use went with the roommate who moved out). And the middle is always gooey, but not this time. And yes, there is a missing chunk in the picture where I got a little to eager to try it.














The class I teach lasted less than thirty minutes this week. Ha ha ha. I guess this shows my POV that classes are just there to give you motivating deadlines. I'm also quite proud that I corrected/graded all of the essays they turned in that very day and that they are getting better.

Mike saw me coveting those zippy jackets with crazy patterns on them that are in right now (I think in both America and Germany), and somehow he got me one! If my eyes look horrible in this picture, it's because they are (allergies). Let's just say I can't wait until we have my animals in America class in the park this afternoon. Not.
















I finally watched some of Euro 2008 (guilty pleasure). You can watch online for free at this website by clicking on "Live Video."

Sleeping Time

I received this email yesterday afternoon:

Dear Michelle,

I please you to excuse me for the past session last Thursday, that day, my time of sleeping overlapped with the session time.

Please write whether that is OK.
Sincerely,
George [Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent]

What do you think? How would you write back? Like the following?

Dear George,

Of course you're excused for missing my class last Thursday. I find that the class time overlaps with my sleeping time too, so please excuse me when I do not show up to teach class for the rest of the semester.

Sincerely,
Michelle

P.S. You're still expected to do all of the assigned work as outlined on the online syllabus. Please let the class know.

The Joy of Teaching

My class went really well today, seeing as how I didn't do much planning beforehand. I had the students do presentations about each chapter we read, point out examples in a sample essay, and then practice some writing themselves.

I love it! It feels so natural to be teaching. It's funny being on the other side though. I realized that last week I shouldn't have been addressing the students in the informal when we talked after class in German, but today I apologized and told them that's just how it was. Some students are being stubborn about not being able to figure out the online system. (I never had a password, so I can't click on "Forget your password?") Also, I got an email from one of them and she called me Mrs. Glauser. Now, that's weird.

However, to top it all, a student came up to me after class today and said, "Is there any way we could decrease the amount we have to read?"

"Heh? Are you serious?" I thought. "Who asks that of their professor? And I already gave you guys an extra thirty minutes to sleep in in the morning." I finally said, "After next week it will be mostly writing anyway and our reader is shorter and simpler than the other class's." I should have also added that reading is an important part of writing! Seriously, people, isn't that what college students do, read? Good thing that student doesn't have the classes that I do!

Forgiveness Lesson

My mom has been really sick the last few days. I thought she should have gone to a doctor days ago, so when I awoke from my Sunday nap and heard that she was at the hospital, I was quite glad. At least an IV can get her hydrated. So here's hoping that she'll be feeling better soon.

I taught her Relief Society lesson today. In case anyone is slightly interested in it (I'm not saying I'm an expert), here it is, written fresh this morning before I had to play at the rest home. I was a bit late because of the earlier meeting, and when I peeked between the two doors, no one was in there. I thought maybe they had combined with the priesthood, thinking no one was going to be teaching. When I couldn't find them, I went back and discovered that no one was sitting in any of the chairs in the center of the room, so the room looked empty through the crack.

Forgiveness

Write on board: “Keep a place in your heart for forgiveness, and when it comes, welcome it in. –A loving bishop”

So I had to decide whether I should forgive my mom for something she couldn’t control—getting sick, or just to learn from this lesson. I apologize for the disorganization. I started thinking about it last night and had a meeting to attend this morning.

Before we even start talking about forgiveness, let’s review Elder Bednar’s advice: “If a person says or does something that we consider offensive, our first obligation is to refuse to take offense and then communicate privately, honestly, and directly with that individual. Such an approach invites inspiration from the Holy Ghost and permits misperceptions to be clarified and true intent to be understood.” In Matthew 18:15, it reads, “Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.” I love this scripture, because I have had so many times where I didn’t even know I had done something to offend someone, and it came back to me through different people, which hurt me in return. How much better could a relationship have been if the person had come to talk to me first?

When we have faith in God and trust in His word, we can forgive as disciples of Christ who follow His example. Let’s read Matthew 18:21-35.

“We can find all manner of reasons for postponing forgiveness. One of these reasons is waiting for the wrongdoers to repent before we forgive them. Yet such a delay causes us to forfeit the peace and happiness that could be ours.” (President Faust’s talk)

I would also like to add, “Don’t forget to forgive yourself.” I find that this kind of lack of forgiveness is really good at eating away at your soul.

In C.S. Lewis’s Mere Christianity, he writes, “When you start mathematics, you do not begin with the calculus; you begin with simple addition. In the same way, if we really want to learn how to forgive, perhaps we had better start with something easier than the Gestapo. One might start with forgiving one’s husband or wife, or parents or children . . . .for something they have done or said in the last week. That will probably keep us busy for the moment. And secondly, we might try to understand exactly what loving your neighbour as yourself means. I have to love him as I love myself . . . Now that I come to think of it, I have not exactly got a feeling of fondness or affection for myself, and I do not even always enjoy my own society. So apparently ‘Love your neighbour’ does not mean ‘feel fond of him’ or ‘find him attractive.’ I ought to have seen that before, because, of course, you cannot feel fond of a person by trying . . . a good many people imagine that forgiving your enemies means making out that they are really not such bad fellows after all, when it is quite plain that they are. I can look at some of the things I have done with horror and loathing. So apparently I am allowed to loathe and hate some of the things my enemies do. Christianity does not want us to reduce by one atom the hatred we feel for cruelty and treachery. We ought to hate them. But it does want us to hate them in the same way in which we hate things in ourselves: being sorry that the man should have done such things, and hoping, if it is anyway possible, that somehow, sometime, somewhere he can be cured and made human again.”

We can love our enemies, as Christ did, even if we dislike their actions. One of my favorite books is The Hiding Place. In it, Corrie ten Boom tells of how she was not allowed to marry the man she loved because his family was richer than hers. She was so hurt, but her dad told her, “God loves Karel even more than you do and if you ask Him, He will give you his love for this man, a love nothing can prevent, nothing destroy. Whenever we cannot love in the old, human way, Corrie, God can give us the perfect way.” Later, because she learned this lesson from her dad, she was able to forgive a Nazi guard from when she was in a concentration camp. I have used Corrie’s experience to find love for someone I had a hard time loving. It works.

We need to recognize and acknowledge angry feelings, have humility, and get on our knees if we want Heavenly Father to help us forgive. President Faust said, “It is not easy to let go and empty our hearts of festering resentment. The Savior has offered to all of us a precious peace through His Atonement, but this can come only as we are willing to cast out negative feelings of anger, spite, or revenge.”

The Church’s Addiction Recovery Manual has a section on forgiveness. I liked this quotation: “As we prayed for help to forgive others—even if it felt insincere at first—we were eventually blessed with a miraculous sense of compassion. Even in extreme situations, people who have taken this approach have received the ability to forgive far beyond themselves. One sister spent several weeks writing about her childhood and praying for her abusive father. She testifies with joy that the Savior has relieved her of her negative, painful feelings toward her father. In making a similar effort, we have learned that by making a thorough inventory of our resentments and acknowledging them to the Savior, we finally ceased to be victims of those who hurt us.”

In seminary during high school, I heard a friend say, “You know you’ve forgiven someone when you can look at them without thinking of what they did to offend you.” I knew at that time that I needed to let a grudge go. I had been wrongfully blamed for something and had lost multiple friends over it. I even hated to see good things happen to the person I blamed. When I finally let it go, it was such a relief not to have bitter thoughts every time I saw that person!

Cindy Shehan—she’s let her grudge take over her life! She could be so much happier.

Write on board: Forgiving brings: “a higher level of self-esteem and [physical] well-being,” less anger, more hope, peace, happiness, less anxiety, and less stress.

An authority on values realization, Dr. Sidney Simon, wrote: “Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.”

We are required to forgive. I laugh at the saying by Oscar Wilde in the Relief Society quotation calendar that says, “Always forgive your enemies—nothing annoys them more.” More importantly, we need to forgive to be forgiven. I remember when I read The Peacegiver that I was surprised at the concept of forgiving for our own welfare, even though I knew the Lord’s prayer says, “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” The Peacegiver discusses Nabal, Abigail, and David in 1 Samuel 25. Who knows the story? Nabal refuses to feed David and his servants. David gets mad and orders everyone to go up to fight Nabal. Abigail, who seems to have nothing to do with it in my opinion, brings food to David and asks for forgiveness. Read 1 Samuel 25: 28. Why would Abigail ask for forgiveness? She knows that if David doesn’t forgive, the Lord cannot bless him with “a sure house.” Also, he would have had other things to repent for and more trouble for himself if he had gone to fight Nabal.

My dad loves a book called The Progress Paradox. In chapter 8, it tells of a girl who received a scholarship to work in South Africa for the anti-apartheid movement. After a mob killed her, her parents moved to South Africa to finish her work. They met and befriended two of the men who helped kill her daughter, and even got to the point where the two men addressed the girl’s mother as “Mom.” They “reported that they felt happier and more at peace after forgiving two of their daughter’s killers . . . That being forgiving is good for you, in addition to the person you forgive, is among the most compelling findings of positive psychology. Research now suggests that those who take a forgiving attitude toward other not only make better friends, neighbors, and coworkers—anyone would guess that—but are themselves happier, healthier people who live longer than others and know more success in life. Are they forgiving because happiness makes them magnanimous, or does forgiving improve their well-being, bringing about the happiness? Studies suggest the latter.” (229).

A similar example exists in the case of my Aunt Diane. After a gymnastics accident, she was carefully moved to a hospital for x-rays. There, the technician sat her up rather roughly, even as she protested that he shouldn’t be doing that. At that moment, all feeling left, from her chest down. She has been paralyzed ever since. She could think about it all the time. She could bitterly sit in her wheelchair and hate that man and blame her misery on him. Instead, she forgave him and loves life.

The two best examples of forgiveness come from our brother and father. Remember that Christ forgave those who crucified him, and Heavenly Father will forgive weakling humans who turn to Christ, even though we killed His Son!

I testify that forgiving will make us happy and exaltable, and that it is possible.

What I Learned From First Graders This Week

Ice cures anything, even headaches.

Pencil Drama

I never knew (until subbing now) that there could be so many problems with pencils.

"My pencil broke."

"My pencil doesn't have an eraser."

"My pencil won't sharpen."

"Can I use the sharpener?"

"Will you sharpen my pencil?"

"I can't find my pencil."

"He stole my pencil."

Today, I think I will count how many times I get a comment about a pencil. Although it's a short day, I think it will be a sufficiently annoying number.

On the positive side, the principal came into the class today to thank me for being there. She said, "Did you get hired on with the district for the next school year?" I replied, "I'm not even going for my teaching certificate. I'm just in between college and grad school." She looked surprised and said, "You're a natural." I guess she didn't see me getting frustrated yesterday. It's lovely being a sub, because you don't get stuck with a hard class for a whole year. You can look at the clock and say, "Only two more hours to go. Ever."

I tell myself that being a professor will be different, because the students have learned discipline by then, and they actually want to be there enough to pay tuition (unless their parents are making them . . .)

Krik? Krak!

Yesterday I finished Dr. Zhivago. I'm excited to ask my friend's mom why she named her after one of the characters who does not have much of a role.

Today I read the whole of Krik? Krak! It is the best book I have read since, well, One True Thing.
(Good enough that I was able to read it all while subbing self-governing fifth graders--I didn't even learn their names, there was no need. I think first graders again tomorrow will be fun.)