Elite Education

People seem annoyed with Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin's decision to get a tutor for their kids, but I think it's because they're jealous. They're jealous that they can't afford the same for their kids. They're jealous that they didn't get that kind of treatment. They're jealous of the person who has enough training so he or she can fill the position. (Oh, and as for that bit about the kids being too young to work on other languages, pshaw! Young is when you really learn languages. Everyone knows that and I wish I'd had that luxury.)

I'm certainly jealous. Every time I read a Victorian novel and see how kids were educated at home by people who stayed by their sides for years, I think how that would be so ideal. I guess letting the classes even out a bit has ruined that for most of us.

Now, if I had enough money, these would be my requirements. The tutor I hire would need to:

• be good at kindly keeping kids in line
  
• be fluent in English, Spanish, Chinese, Russian, Arabic, Hindi, and German, and teach in one of those languages on separate days of the week
  
• teach piano, violin or cello, and guitar (including intense music theory)
• spend a lot of time outdoors with the kids
• play basketball, soccer, volleyball, chess, Scrabble, Settlers, and a variety of face card games
• do creative, hands-on and abstract projects with the kids
  
• teach philosophy, writing (not as in handwriting--I really don't care), religion, psychology, art history, world history, business, math, good morals, typing, web design, other useful computer skills, and how to be physically healthy
  
• teach communication and social skills

I can dream. What else should I add to my list?