23 June 2008

Michelle Glauser, M.D.

I think I've found my calling in life. Unfortunately, it will take me quite a while to start over with education to get on this path, but destiny and pure talent (inherited from my mom, who now knows what her calling in life is too) cannot be denied.

Can you imagine the glory? (Just insert my name in the blotted-out spot on the diploma.)

Michelle Glauser, Doctor of Podiatry.

I have succeeded at yet another self-performed toenail operation. With the pain at the top/front of the nail this time, I suspected that the nail was growing directly into the toe despite the fact that the nail bed looked quite normal. (A bit of scraping with a lot of pain, a few days of worry, and an impending football game motivated me to just go for it.) Determining that starting from the side would be the best since there I could get under the nail, I bent chunks of nail upwards and cut them off until I got to the middle of the nail, where it really was embedded. Deciding the nail would bend better after some soaking, I was thereafter able to get the offending nail out and the toe felt almost immediately much better.

The next step: prevention of future problems. It is my hypothesis that because the nail is growing in thick ever since the time of trauma, wearing shoes presses the nail down, where it continually grows forward and into the toe. Thus, I filed the nail to prevent as much pressure from shoes.

Now, let me stress here that it is not the success of these mini-operations that make me a perfect candidate for a career in podiatry. No, more important to the profession of doctor is the fact that these successes are temporary and I cannot prevent other problems from occurring in the future. Every good doctor needs this blind ability so they can continue making money. It's "Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!" In no time I'll be asking people if their orthotics are comfortable for their metatarsals and sending off forms to insurance companies of patients with "Osteomeylitis" or "acute Neuroma."

As a doctor of podiatry, I would buy books like Chicken Soup for the Sole just so I could use the cover to hide my secret passion for literary theory. No one wants to ask their doctor what he/she is reading to hear, "Oh, just some Derrida." With a cover as blaring as Chicken Soup for the Sole, no one would ask a thing.

But, if that doesn't work out, I guess I wouldn't mind settling for a Certificate of Appreciation for the explorations I've made in the field:

It makes you wonder how many doctors picked their field because of personal experiences they had in that area. But what does that say about male gynecologists?


  1. LOVE it! Definitely one of your best pieces of humorous writing! XOXOXO

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  4. Yeah, that's me leaving all those comments and then deleting them. I can't articulate my thoughts today and then I click on "Publish Your Comment" and then it's gone and I wish I hadn't said it just that way. There should be an "Edit Your Comment" button. Anyway, on to the comment:

    Thanks Mom. I just re-read it and I don't think it's as funny as I did when I wrote it. Oh well. At least you now know your calling in life. I think we've both got about the same amount of education to do to get there, so maybe we can get started together! (I think Dr. Blatnick could probably help us get going.)

    Oh, and ten bucks (fake ones, I don't have ten bucks in case you read this before you tell him and then you refuse to tell him) you or dad tells Dr. Soulier about this post.