Endlich war der Tag da!

(Transferred from my old blog on 18 August 2008.)

On Friday, August 13th, I heard my host family leave at 4 am and checked to see if the clock stopped - yep, at 1:30. I reset it and couldn't sleep because I was so afraid of missing everything. My legs were so sore from the biking and they were already sore from the horrible charlie horses. I have to walk and not swing my legs all the way back. I packed, ate yogurt, wrote my host family a thank you note (I can't believe they were so nice to let me come!), and the taxi came. The driver helped me . . . okay, he carried my heavy suitcase. I spoke with him and did a pretty good job. At the station Ryan came and we found an empty, non-reserved compartment. Good thing Ryan was there to carry my suitcase! I almost called him Matt. However, after about an hour, I couldn't wait for him to leave. It made me wonder how I could have been interested. He is boring and serious and negative and complains about everything and had too strong of opinions about things that don't even matter. Maybe I'll feel differently later.

There was a German dude who came in and we talked a lot. It made me so happy to know I could understand and speak and correct Ryan's German. When we got into Switzerland, oh my gosh, I could tell! I was so glad to be there, I felt like crying. The mountains rose up out of the land, and it was GORGEOUS! Seriously I can't explain it. I immediately wanted to study here. The dude (Frank) said he also loves Switzerland. He also showed me his book about men-woman relationships and rolled his weed. Hmmm . . . I couldn't wait to get there and see the Bieris! When we got off our train (it was a very long one), somehow we were very lucky, because I spotted Sue immediately! She and Ursula said, "Me-chelle?" Oh my gosh, I was so happy! I went right over and hugged them. Sue did this kissing thing and said, "Sorry, in Switzerland it is three kisses!" So I did that correctly with Ursula. We brought our bags to Urula's car and Sue asked me what we had been doing, so I told her we studied German. Then she told Ursula they needed to speak in Hochdeutsch. WOW! Their Hochdeutsch is so much better (slower and very clear) than the supposedly perfect northern German Deutsch! We talked, Ryan and I switching (whoa, that just took me five minutes to spell - my English is gone) walking with Sue or Ursula. Sue is BEAUTIFUL - much more blonde than I remember with great eyes and stylish clothing. Ryan wanted to put a thousand dollars into a Swiss account, so Sue guided us to different banks, but they were closed or not big enough to do international accounts. I felt really stupid going in there. The Swiss German is really cool! They say sh instead of s, such as "Wo bish du?", not "Wo bist du?", etc. Sue showed us the Bundeshaus and towers that were very old and we met up with Ursula at the clock tower with the man who hits the bell and the bears dance around. (We didn't see it, though). Then we went and saw a church that was built by a 17 year old. People made fun of his idea, so on the outside he had inscribed, "Try it before you laugh." IT was very ornate. Next to that is the "platz" where people hang out. It overlooks huge gardens and houses and the beautiful, GREEN Aare river! It started getting windy, so Sue let me use her darling long khaki jacket from Singapore.

We went to the bear pit (they were in the shelter, though). There we met up with Bea. Holy cow. I thought it was just someone they knew! She is gorgeous too - blonde hair, big eyes, and, like Ursula and Sue, extremely short! Also, they all have those tight handshakes like I remember - small hands. We walked up some giant hill to the rose garden and didn't really look at any roses, we just like the view of the amazing city. I loved talking to them in German, and apparently Ryan did too. Sue works with babies and is now doing midwifery. She has a boyfriend, Andreas or Andy, for 7 years. Bea just broke up with hers and Sue told me she cries if you talk too much about it. (Wow, I know how that goes. Not just talking, but seeing couples.) We met Peter at an Italian restaurant after seeing the other side of the Aare and the oldest pharmacy (with cool little drawers everywhere). It even smelled old. I did not recognize Peter. For some reason I thought he looked different. He reminds me so much of Uncle Mike - calm and very intelligent. He told a story about traveling in Spain and no one would take their credit cards and they felt like starving and paid their last money for water. His German was also great. We had pizza and I ate the entire thing. Then Sue, Bea, Andy, Ryan, and I went and saw the movie I read about in the newspaper the first day I was in Germany, making fun of Star Wars, Star Trek, etc. I didn't understand much and Ryan and I were falling asleep. They had an intermission. No way. (eine Pause) Then we walked through the dark city and drove back. Andy, like every other European, brought up Bush and Iraq and it was a mess. Ryan had to give his strong say and then throw it my way. The house - oh my gosh - is the coolest, most modern, feng-shui-ish house I've ever seen! Wow! Cement and wooden beams and glass or black things.

When Are You Leaving?

So, everyone wants a date.
"When will you be leaving again? Oh, you still haven't decided?"
are questions I hear several times per day. You'd think everyone wanted me to hurry and go or something. :)

I told my mom this morning that it's kind of hard to figure things out with our dial-up internet. I can't even imagine what it used to be like without the internet. She kindly dropped me off at the library, with the goal in mind of figuring out a date. I used up all my allotted time on the library's computers before I reported that the wireless wasn't working. They rebooted and now I'm on my own laptop.

Here's what I have so far:
-Leipzig does not offer a German program in September. Only August. So that would mean I'd leave August 3rd or so.
-Do I really need to take a German program? Or should I just go with what I have and grow from there on my own? This option would mean I wouldn't need to be there until the first week of October.
-There is a really cute, little city named Konstanz that offers a German program during September. It is a really good deal, and the city is beautiful. It is between two bodies of Swiss-blue water and on the border of Switzerland and Germany. The program is meant for students of the university there, so I'm waiting for a reply to my email about making an exception for me. This option would mean I leave the first week of September.

So there you go. I'm either leaving the first week of August, the first week of September, or the first week of October. I hope you're a bit more satisfied.

Here is the Google Earth image of Konstanz (Constance). Isn't it beautiful? That yellow line is the border of Germany and Switzerland. Konstanz is directly above the V-shaped part of the border.

As I told Scott's roommate Dan as we talked about Swiss pride last night, "People think I'm brave moving to Germany. I'm really moving there because I don't have the guts to move where I really want to be: Switzerland."

Christmas 2008 (in Switzerland)

Getting to Switzerland, as is usual with Mitfahrgelegenheit, was an adventure. I couldn't find an available ride, so I offered one and got a plethora of calls and emails of people wanting to go with me. Two of the people wanted to get out and risk the train at the border because the girl isn't allowed to leave the country. Of course, they didn't know where the train station was and we ended up driving to the French border and being checked there. They told us to drive to the roundabout and turn around. So, I was in France for about one minute before I dropped them off at a train station. Woohoo.

The GPS stopped working in Switzerland, which was no problem for finding Bern. However, it took a while to find the train station, and it took at least an hour to find where to return my rental car. Then, dragging all my things, it took me a while to get back to the train station and take the Postauto to Meikirch. When I finally got to the Bieris' a few hours late, I was so glad to eat some delicious raclette potatoes. We had fascinating conversation and finally went to bed.

The next day, the 24th, I helped Pit decorate the tree and Ursula decorate the table, candles included.













Thanks to a senior sister I have been exchanging emails with (Sister Grassli), I was able to go with the sisters in Bern (who are currently a three-some consisting of Sister Langhurt, Sister Fredrikksen and Sister Lehmann) to celebrate Christmas Eve with the Kempa family. (The Bieris had an invitation to meet Sue's fiance's parents, so I used one of their cars to get to the Kempas' house). One of the sister missionaries knows many people I know, as she comes from East Germany, so we had a lot to talk about. The dinner there was so good, the family was so friendly, and I was amazed that they even had presents for me, labeled "To Miss Student." I was particularly excited about two presents: one was mango lotion from The Body Shop, which I've wanted for at least the last 6 years but have been too cheap to buy, and the other was Ds Nöie Teschtamänt, or Das Neue Testament (the New Testament) in Swiss German! Yay!













We had two cakes, one of which was purely made of balls of ice cream with whipped cream squirted in the holes. I brought banana bread, which they considered cake and sprinkled with powdered sugar.













Here are all of us after food, presents, and singing:













The next day, I finally got to meet Sue's fiance, Phillip, a very nice gentleman.













I also got to see Rolf and Bea, who lit the candles on the tree. Sophie was everybody's entertainment as she showed up with angel wings and an interest in anything and everything.





We sang songs, with Rolf and I switching off at the piano inherited from Pit's mother.





Ursula made very artful and tasty appetizers.













We opened presents. I gave everybody socks--the girls got those fuzzy ones in pretty colors and the guys got argyle socks. You know I consider socks to be the best presents.













I was so pleased to get house shoes with the Swiss flag on them, and a Swiss mug!
























The food was so good, Pit asked Ursula if he could lick his plate.













Rolf and Ursula helped me read the Christmas story from my Swiss German New Testament, and then I helped Ursula arrange her cookies on a plate. They were so beautiful, I had to take a picture!
















It took a million tries, but we finally got a suitable picture of all of us except Sophie, who was sleeping (albeit fitfully).













When I got back from jogging, Pit and Ursula were finished setting up the tent they'd gotten for Sophie for Christmas. As soon as she realized it was cool for hiding in, she loved it.













It was negative 4 degrees Celsius, but we decided to go for a walk because it was so gorgeously sunny.


















Rolf, Bea, and Sophie catching up with us was a striking image.
















Here are some panoramas I took:











I was so sad to leave, but the Bieris stocked me up with some beautiful cards that Pit had painted of Bern and brought me to the temple in Zollikofen!

Weekend Switzerland Trip

What an adventure. You won't believe everything that happened on this trip. I know this blog post is long. If you don't want to read it all, at least read 2-11, 21, 24, 30-35, and 37.

1. The car we ended up with was a beast of a diesel-sucking Mercedes, great fun to drive and park in skinny German roads. When I first started it, it purred the most quiet purr I've ever heard from a car I was driving.


















For once, I'm grateful someone took a picture I didn't ask for. This is the only visual proof I have that my hair looks okay without blow drying it or curling it.





















2. We ended up bringing three lemmings with us to deliver to a girl in Rheinfelden. (There is a website everyone uses here to give and get rides for cheaper than the train. We registered and put our trip online and got a zillion calls, one of which was to ask us if we'd take animals too.)
3. We were controlled by the police, which means a BMW pulls in front of you and then a sign turns on that says, "Police. Follow." They take you off the next exist and look through all your stuff.
4. The police saw a Book of Mormon at the top of Robert's bag, asked if we three were together, and didn't look through the Mormons' stuff. I suspect I took this picture seconds before their discovery of Holy Scripture. Robert thought it was funny that I was excited to be controlled. That was before I knew what was to come.


















5. They found some drugs in the bag of the guy we were giving a ride to.
6. We drove twenty minutes back from where we came to wait an hour and a half in the police station while they interviewed the guy, even though the police had offered to take him to the train station when they were done and we could drive on. We hoped that he'd remember later that some nice Mormons had waited for him instead of leaving him to pay more for a train ticket. I found it hilarious that the small city where we waited (Hof) had a sign that said its sister city was Ogden, Utah, USA. Ha ha.
7. We got back in the car and our chocolate was melted. Luckily we had taken the lemmings with us. We used a spoon to eat some of the chocolate, which Mike got all over.
8. I said, "Mike. Lehre und Bündnisse 89." The guy was in our car and we had politely waited for him in the sweltering heat after he did something to quickly lose our trust, so we figured this was our chance. He learned all about the Word of Wisdom.
9. The sweltering weather turned suddenly against us. It was raining so hard, I made Mike take a video so Tanya and I could compare it with the middle of Illinois video. Unfortunately, since I was driving and Mike didn't know how to work my camera, it is a video of his leg which I won't share here. Traffic slowed WAY down, making us hours later.
10. Weather cleared up, but by then there was an evening traffic jam.
11. We got to Freiburg and said goodbye to our forced investigator. Mike didn't have the guts to ask him for more money since we waited, and I was distracted with the GPS at the moment. Too bad. We headed to Rheinfelden. By this time I was quite fed up and just wanted to be there already. Little did we know, there is a German side of Rheinfelden, and a Swiss side of Rheinfelden. We waited at the train station, and the girl who wanted the lemmings wasn't there. She couldn't explain to us how to get there even after several phone calls, but we finally figured it out after buying the sticker allowing us to drive on the Swiss freeways. She was so glad to get the lemmings, and we realized that had we just walked through the train station, we would have found her on the other side. Whatever. She gave us candles (instead of the chocolate Mike had jokingly/not-jokingly requested).
12. We gave the girl's friend a ride and gave him a Book of Mormon. He said he knew of the Mormons, "The American brotherhood, right?" and that he might read but his ancestors had been monks (I thought monks don't have kids, how does that work?).
13. We found the eensy weensy teeny tiny town of Rickenbach around 11:30, approximately 11 hours after we left Leipzig, five hours longer than the predicted time. There we discovered that we still had the lemming food. We were heartily welcomed into the home of the Hilbers (strangers to all of us) and we gave them a thank-you gift of some candles. (Yep, those ones.) They have one of those huge Swiss houses that is way old. After we were given delicious meat salad and bread (which was exactly what I needed after a day of chocolate), we went straight to bed.
14. We woke up to discover we were in a charming village. Sarah Hilber (age 8) showed us the neighborhood garden where the pigs and chickens are kept. Monica Hilber treated us to one of those fabulous Swiss breakfasts with a big loaf of homemade bread, homemade jam, amazing Swiss yogurt, hot chocolate, etc.

































The Swiss also have cool windows that tilt so the rain doesn't come in, even on a tilted roof.

















15. Elder (Lukas) Wiesner's mom came and we went to the cabin where the party was to be, which we decorated. I can totally see where Stefan got his features. He and his mom walk the same and have the same face.
16. We drove to Zollikofen and saw the temple.


















There's a store called the "Mormon Home Shop" across the street. I loved this, my two favorite things symbolized together:

















17. We drove to Meikirch. Mike laughed and laughed because every five minutes I would say, "Isn't this beautiful?" or "Wow, look at that!" or "I love Switzerland!" We spent an hour and a half with the Bieris. Ursula had made some sweet nutbread that was so good we ate the whole thing. Sophie was darling and fun. I really enjoyed seeing them again and they said I should come back in August so I could see Sue and Bea and Rolf and Sue's new boyfriend.

How can you help but love this?

















A building for Scott:

















The beloved rellies:

















18. I made the other two go through Bern with me, though Mike wasn't too happy about it. We saw the bears for a moment. Thankfully, Mike's favorite moment was here on the bridge. There's nothing like Bern to soften your heart, even if only for a quiet moment.


















19. I wanted to drive through Basel and see some things, but Mike didn't want to be late for the surprise. We were driving back through the beautiful hills and greenery of Switzerland when Mike decided we needed to find a place to buy chocolate and to gas up. He kept getting mad at me for not asking people in the middle of fields between towns if there was a store in the town coming up, but what would they say? "Yep, just keep going straight like you're already doing."
20. The stores were closed anyway.
21. The gas station we found took my twenty-Euro bill and gave out no gas and no one was there to help us.
22. We got back to the cabin and waited a good two hours before Lukas showed up.
23. I fumed because I had not had the opportunity to post my homework online and would either have to do it on Sunday or turn it in late on Monday.
24. The party went well. When Lukas arrived, we were hidden under a blanket. He had to try to guess who we were by our shoes. I had to suppress a laugh when he said, "At least one is a girl," because I was wearing brown flats with big leather flowers on them. He was surprised and pleased to see us. We had a lot of wurst and at least six delicious different cakes while being surrounded by lovely green hills, a huge blue sky, fresh air, and dinging cow bells. Make sure you turn up the sound to hear the bells, and that was before there were many there. I think Heidi's Grandfather's cabin was there, too:






Mike with Gabriel, who spoke such a Swiss-German that we oftentimes had to ask him to repeat:


















Me with Monika and Sister Wiesner:


















25. I went with Stefan (Lukas's brother) to the top of the hill (no, that is not symbolic):


































26. I ended up turning in my homework at 11:45 using the internet at the Wiesners.
27. You'd think since we were all exhausted, we would have slept. I ended up talking with Stefan for another hour and a half. Then I found out all the mattresses had been taken. He wouldn't take mine, so I pulled the cushions off the benches. The next morning I found out he hadn't had a blanket and was cold. Man! I had an extra.
28. Church was great, every one of us bore testimony. Monika and two of her kids came with us. They are the perfect potential members, but she told us how it's hard because her love for the church is countered by her son and husband's hate for it and how it takes her away during the hours that her baker husband is actually home and awake.
29. I forgot how hard the CH sound is in Switzerland. I think when Americans do their stereotyped German sounds, they are combining the Swiss CH with the tones of mean old German men.
30. After church, Monika convinced me I should take a nap before we took off. I asked Robert to wake me up at 2:30 and to make me something to take along to eat for dinner (at the end of my fast). At 3, I woke up and neither of the above-mentioned things had happened. I was quite annoyed and everyone found that out pretty fast, which I feel a little bad about now, but how hard can those two things be, really? Their excuse was they were eating cake. Just rub it in! (They weren't fasting. For the trip, they said, but they weren't driving, so I'm not sure why that would matter.)
31. After Lukas and Rebekka reminded me that they have another brother (whose birthday is next Sunday, road trip!) and after we took a picture in front of their house which has a blown-up copy of the Proclamation to the Family which is unfortunately hid behind us (that's Rebekka, Benjamin, Lukas, Anita, Robert, Mike, and me), we took off for Basel. We didn't really have time to see anything, which also annoyed me. Mike was annoyed because I made us drive through anyway.

















32. Then I said we should at least drive by the Frank Gehry building. The guys were annoyed back because I didn't know where it was, but I asked for directions and got us there.
33. What do you know, photographs weren't allowed. I figured the sign meant from where the sign was and closer, so here's from the parking lot. Scott, this picture is for you:

















34. Mike and I started arguing about picking up the person who was supposed to drive with us back to Leipzig. Here's why:

-When someone called last Thursday, we were both in the middle of church activities, so I had him get me a piece of paper, where I quickly wrote the name and number of the person (who wasn't the caller) and hung up. Then I put the paper with Mike's stuff.
-Mike didn't realize he had the number and left it in Leipzig.
-All I could remember was that the name was Hajo. Boy? Girl? Unknown.
-My cell phone's battery was dead, leaving the person no option to call.

I kept telling Mike to have faith and I drove us to Freiburg. There I asked Robert to say a prayer. In the middle of it, he asked, "male or female?" I said, "I don't know," so he blessed us to "find this person." We walked around the train station. Mike and Robert were bugging me even more because they weren't doing anything. Faith without works is dead, people! I started asking people if they were named Hajo. Then I asked a man at the info desk to announce that Hajo should come to the information desk, which turned out to be announced as "Frau Hilo." Then I made all three of us signs that said "Hajo" on them, which I later changed to "Leipzig," in hopes that we could at least find someone wanting to go there. Then Robert came and said he'd found Hajo! Wahoo! Hajo had seen the sign! Mike was impressed.
35. We saw the sisters, so we had them take Hajo's number so he can go to institute when he goes back to Freiburg.
36. We I drove and drove and drove. My back was killing me and I had to shift my Book of Mormon and my sweater every twenty minutes or so. Sometimes I would drive leaning forward to take off some of the pressure. Plus, my fingers were getting tired of gripping the steering wheel, so I would drive with straight fingers.
37. Our car liked it best to go around 150. Let me check, that's 93 miles per hour. That doesn't mean I didn't take it up to 190-195 a few times. Driving on the Autobahn is so much better than on American freeways. You've got the fast left lane which makes so you don't have to swerve in between many lanes to get the fastest route. Plus, you don't have to constantly worry about how fast you're going. Most places are unlimited, although 130 is suggested.
38. Mike was annoyed that I wouldn't let us listen to anything but hymns and classical music.
39. I was not happy to see we would need to get gas on Sunday, about an hour before Leipzig.
40. Then Mike was unhappy that I got off at some random little city and had to follow winding roads for a while before we found a gas station.
41. Back on the Autobahn, Mike tried to close the window and sun roof, which I stopped because the crazy freeway wind was keeping me awake. Every few minutes he started checking to see if I was doing okay. He even put good Sunday music back in, which I could sing to.
42. We got into Leipzig about 11:30. I was relieved but annoyed at myself for being annoyed about dumb things, but not sure how I could repair things. I had enjoyed seeing the people and the country in Switzerland, but it is sooooooo hard for me to think that I had wasted so many hours when I have so much homework to do! Next time, we are SO taking the train. Or at least another driver.

1860.9 km, all done by me from Friday to Sunday:

















43. The next morning, Mike and I cleaned the car and returned it. Then I breathed a sigh of relief. Mike and I did our signature high five, bought some yogurt and bread for breakfast, and we left our annoyance behind.

Swiss Mister Meets Wannabe Swiss Miss

(Transferred from my old blog on 18 August 2008.)

Today I was underlining words in my German book like a madman because my class was at 9:10 and I hadn't translated the whole story yet. (I would have to hide my face in shame if you saw my underlining.) All of a sudden, a voice said, "Was liesst du?" Whoa. I almost jumped. That means, "What are you reading?" I turned to the first page and showed the dude behind me what I was reading. The rest of the bus trip I did not get any homework done, because we were excited to speak German to each other. The coolest thing is, I understood everything he said. He is from Switzerland and went on a mission to Hamburg (near the place where I study) and we talked all about German and Switzerland and our families and I tried to throw in one of those disclaimers about my German being "not so good," but he shook his head and said it was fine. (Yeah right, they all say that.) Anyway, we got off at the same stop and I wanted to talk some more, but I didn't know what I should say, so I just went into the computer lab and we said goodbye. Then I started to look up all of my German words with ten minutes to go, and I checked my email. Class was cancelled! Lucky me! Right after that, Jubi (that's the Swiss guy's name) came back in and handed me a paper with his email address, name, and phone number! Sweet! I really hope I get to talk to him some more.

Last night, T* gave me a ride home from work. That was so nice of him. I can't believe he went all that way through lame traffic to get me home, only to turn around and go back through it again. I really enjoy talking to him. We can be really open with each other (well, not about everything . . . yet, if you know what I mean, Tanwon). I wonder if he's like that with everyone. I don't know. He called me later and asked me out to dinner on Thursday. Sweet.

Details for Tanya

This week I'm driving to Switzerland for a friend's surprise birthday party. We rented a car yesterday and I'm the only one with a driver license. Great. :) I guess I get to try out our BMW on the Autobahn. I don't think I'll do any driving on the sidewalk like Jeff did recently, though. Too bad. There's this really cool website that is widely used here in Germany where people can display what rides they need or what rides they can give, so we put our trip on there and we are dropping one person off in Freiburg Breisgau. I found out today that we would have three more. I asked how that would work when we didn't have that many seats, and I found out we're taking three lemmings with us to give to a girl in Switzerland. I laughed and laughed at that. What a random adventure this is going to be.

I'm going to Eilenburg (that's a city 20 minutes away by train) on a mini-mission in two weeks. There's a single older sister from Austria there who is strengthening the branch members and looking for people to baptize so they can have leadership from their own city. I'm going to go help her teach and find.

There was an American girl (Erin) here for a few weeks to do an internship in one of our ward member's law firms. People found it funny that two Americans would always talk to each other in German, but when you're in Germany, you should do as the Germans do. Her siblings arrived yesterday and brought desperately-needed Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Yummy. I'm proud of my hair in this picture. I dried it almost all the way and then twisted it into 8 little buns that I kept in for thirty minutes before I left for school. It looked pretty good and stayed alright all day, even through a nap.














Today I got a compliment from a very intellectually-thorough investigator (I was impressed). He said that he could hear just the tiniest bit that I wasn't from here.

I'm working on ideas for my Master's thesis and possibly even dissertation eventually by studying autobiography in general, women's autobiography, female narratives, etc. It's interesting, but some heavy duty reading. I don't want to buy the books, but I need to underline! I guess if I'm going to do so much research in this area I need to go for it. I still feel like three of my classes are interesting but big distractions from my real goals in the program. That makes it hard to motivate myself to work hard for those classes.

Pentacost Hiking Retreat

This picture pretty much sums up my love of Switzerland.

If you want to see more pictures, watch this (and watch out for the plethora of lovey dovey pics of Lydia and Christoph):

Oh, and I got to see Sister Grassli again! Her pictures have amazing colors. See here.

Sleep and Eat (Or Don't)

Catching up after the Switzerland trip has been unbelievably hard. Every time I think I have time to catch up on some schoolwork, people need me or there are other things that have to be done.

Yesterday, I went home to take a nap. Proof that it was meant to be a nap can be taken from the facts that I did not brush my teeth, change out of my skirt (the weather here is unbelievably hot and moist and it only took me one day to realize why so many girls where light cotton skirts), or say my prayers. I set my alarm on my phone and tried to arrange my blanket in the least-hot way. I zonked out faster than you can say "Michelle needs sleep."

Thirteen hours later, I woke up. Yup, that's thirteen as in 13. Unlucky 13? Luckily, thirteen hours later was perfect timing for me to get up and leave.

The second thing to report here is that somewhere among the hours and hours and hours and hours of driving to and from Switzerland, I decided that I really need to eat healthier. I always knew that, but something inside me finally decided. I think a lot of it had to do with me thinking about these two pictures:


Me in Bern in 2004:











Me in Bern 4 years later:












Okay, so maybe you can't really see it, but other pictures show my skinniness then better, like this:











So here's the plan:

Before breakfast:
Water and multivitamin
Breakfast:
Wheat, fruit, dairy, water
Lunch:
Vegetable, fruit, meat, dairy, wheat, water
After Lunch:
Water, maybe a roll
Dinner:
Meat, two vegetables, two wheats, dairy, water
Dessert:
Fruit

Yep, it's just the food pyramid, but so far I've been doing okay. I'm not eating in between meals except for what is designated. Yogurt is my new hero because it combines two things and makes so I don't have to drink milk. Before I would just have a big serving of whatever I had, like a huge bowl of potatoes. Now I have realized that small portions of each thing is the only way to have room for it all. I'm also intensifying my daily workout. The only two problems are that I need more time for school things and that it's more expensive to eat this way.

Here I am eating my dessert, which I think was one of the best strawberries I've ever had. I know the picture is funny because I'm off to the side, but I took a better-centered one and for some reason I liked the funny one better. It seems like it could be an ad for something.

Domodossola

(Transferred from my old blog on 18 August 2008.)

Wednesday, August 18th:

When I saw the meat Ursula had out for my sandwich this morning (it looked like bacon), I had this feeling it was going in raw. Which it did.

I saw so many kids traveling after 10 that I was confused. What about school? It was the kind of morning that lasts all afternoon, just stuck inside the gloom (as John Mayer would say). However, I thought it was pretty. The huge foggy mountains with more Italian-looking buildings and names the further south I got were cool. Lugano was nice. I walked through some switchback streets and found a cool church called Cathedral di San Lorenzo. Did I mention that Ursula said you can tell apart Catholic and Protestant churches because Catholic churches have crosses and Protestant one have chickens (or arrows)? It's true.

There wasn't a direct route to Domodosselo (in Italy), so I went to bellinzona and waited in the info line. Some lady wasn't really in line, but when was the next turn, she took it. So, I missed the train by six minutes and had to wait another hours. I walked to San Michele Castel. Wow, all those stairs were killers. I kept trying different ATM machines, but none would take American Express (my travelfunds card).

I could only eat my sandwich a few bites at a time so I could keep it down. This dude sitting next to me was watching everything I did and then asked me if I was American. He's from San Diego (Eric). Every question he asked he wouldn't give his own info, so I had to ask. He got the Bieri's number (why can't I say no?), but I won't be there, and he won't be in Bern, so that's a relief. When he got out, I tried not to look at him, but he paused on the platform until I did and winked. Eew. A creeper. I finished Da Vinci Code and was disappointed there wasn't more to read.

The scenery was so beautiful! There were huge mountains blanketed in trees and deep valleys I couldn't see the bottom of. I love the houses buried in the forests high on mountains with no visible roads.

In Domodossola, I walked around the city. Whoa. Switzerland has old buildings, but these were dilapidated. Maybe they don't take care of them. I found the church because of the bells, but they were holding a mass or something. Matt's dad caught a pickpocket while they were in Italy, so I was scared about that. I wanted to buy these shoes, but the lady didn't seem to want to help me. I bought ice cream (it was comforting to be back with euros), lemon of course, wowee! It was smooth, soft, and luscious!

On the way to Brig this lady coughed foreverand this other lady looked concerned too, so I offered my water and understood "no" and "asthma". I read the story Sam gave me forever ago - I found it with my itinierary. "Country of the Blind" by H.G. Wells, it was interesting.

Q: Why do I always choose the wrong side of the train? I think it's good, and then out my window is a pure wall of rocks while the other side oohs and aahs over valleys and other unseen wonders.

I was looking at this lady and thinking she looked like a Utahn. Then this family came in from Minnesota and I talked about languages and cities. Then after they left, the first lady was leaving with her family and she said, "We overheard that you were from SL. We're from Davis County." We talked for a minute and they left too. I told the first family to take a boat trip, and the second to get some döners. Then I talked to a Swiss lady and she complimented my German. The train pulled into the station at 2026, and my bus left at 2025. I ran anyway, and it was gone. I was so hungry, but I didn't have Swiss francs. I looked at shoes and candy machines. One said 1,00 on it. I found the only thing for1,00 and pushed the button for it, 36. It worked. I thanked the person who left their money in their in my head. Then I bought cheese and chocolate (haha, in Switzerland) with Euros and got a lot of Swiss Francs back. Good. I still had 30 minutes to kill.

Back in Meikirch, I worked on the computer and when the phone rang, I thought it might be Ursula calling to make sure I was okay. Nope. Guess who. Dangitall! That dude from San Diego. I told him to call tomorrow and I could ask my cousin what we were doing (he wants to meet up in Luzern. Give me a break).

My dad won his dumpster case and the judge couldn't believe the small claims court didn't take his side. The company has to pay my dad 900 bones for keeping their dumpster. Haha! You go Uncle Fifi!

Central Europe Mormon Ball

(Transferred from my old blog on 18 August 2008.)

I still have no idea what I'm going to be doing this fall. I really want to work in Germany or Switzerland teaching English, but it might be too expensive to save up for a mission. Hmm. Plus, I've got a boyfriend in Salt Lake now. I guess that shouldn't be too big of a reason, but anyway . . . he is so funny! A week ago we were talking and I complimented him on something and it was so funny. He didn't say anything, and so finally I said, "What do you think about that?" I've made fun of him ever since, because he said, "It gives me this sort of . . . cocky . . feeling." The way he said it was just hilarious, stressing the "cocky." He kind of is cocky in some ways, but right now it's just endearing. Well, I don't know about cocky, but he's kind of like this boy I knew in high school? They're unaware of things going on around them, they're just lax but confident. I used to think the kid in high school was ditsy, but that's not the right word. It's more like just unaware of what's going on.

This week I bought some of my favorite movies in German (I still have to find Mulan) and on Monday Kaycie, Travis, Matt, and I went up to Friedrichsort for the meeting that started off Central Europe Mormon Week. Elder Perry and his wife were there and spoke. Afterwards, I wanted to shake his hand, but he went down the aisle and I didn't get to. Since we weren't staying the whole week, we left early. We were standing next to the bathroom waiting for Kaycie, and Elder Perry and his wife came by. Matt was holding this gigantic thing of juice, and Elder Perry said, "What are you gonna do with all that?" Matt said, "Drink it." Then Elder Perry reached out and shook my hand and Matt's hand and Travis's hand, and Sister Perry asked where we were from, what we were doing in Germany, and how we liked it. Wow!

Anyway, I went to the Central Europe ball for Mormons last night. Wow! There were more than 900 people there, and probably 97 percent of them were beautiful! Europeans are just beautiful and stylish. Wow! I love that. The cool thing is, I'd always wondered if I wore a shirt under a strappy dress if that would be really dorky. Well, many of the girls did that last night, but they made it look GOOD! They were nice shirts that just totally set off the dresses just right. They had scarves and gloves and ties around their waists and it was amazing. It was held in what is called the "Color Line," a terminal for cruise ships. So, it was a big glass building on the ocean, and there was a cool band, and I am so jealous of Europeans! They do this dance (they all know it) and it's like our slow dance except for any song (it's faster). They kind of do two shuffles forward and move their clasped hands to the beat and it's just so cool. I suck at dancing. Matt wanted to do all these fancy things and I just kept stepping on his toes. This friend of mine here named Kaycie almost completely won over this German kid (in only a few weeks - we found out that smiling at someone across the table a few nights in a row is like four months of flirting here), but then his ex was at the convention and decided that she wanted to get back together with him. The funny thing is, the night before, Kaycie had talked to him on the beach for two hours and she went to hold his hand and he said, "I would love nothing more than to hold your hand right now, but I feel like I can't until I decide what to do about Kaya." Then, at the dance and dinner, Kaycie was with him for like three hours until suddenly Kaya came up and said something about he couldn't dance with her the whole night. Poor Kaycie. I wonder what he's going to decide. Oh, by the way, his name is CORNY. Ha ha. Short for Cornelius. He's so nice. I think he knows it's not logical to go for Kaycie when she lives in Utah, but he fell for her pretty fast. Anyway, I've got to write a 20 page paper so that I can graduate in seven days and go pack for Switzerland, my home sweet home!

And, finally, the real ending . . .

(Transferred from my old blog on 18 August 2008.)

I dozed on some benches, then checked in. Since Harinder at work had showed me her ruined film (it went through the x-ray machine), I tried to hold mine out, but the lady told me to put it in. Amsterdam has the coolest waiting lounges - with large red nintendo-ish chairs or lounge ones all lined up at the window. The wait there was harder, since I could barely wake myself up to even get off the plane. They asked each person specific questions about packing, etc. I told the lady who scanned my passport that I didn't have my frequent flyer card with me, but I found it in my bag. Whoops. What would I have gotten?

On the plane I watched part of Hidalgo and that new Julia Stiles princess show. The funny thing is, I was watching it in German, and all of a sudden I thought, "Wow, I can really understand this." Somehow I had switched the channel to English without noticing. It was cute, but it made me miss Matt. There was this couple next to me and the girl whined about everything and he'd just do everything she wanted. Then they wrote back and forth to each other, and when the movie started it was too dark, so they did sign language. My goodness. She had simple Melissa hair and hemp tattoos all over her hands and feet. They were in Kenya and were going back.

We filled out customs reports. I kept remembering new things and changing the total. I just knew that "raspberry plants" was going to cause a stir.

I cried the whole time at Minneapolis/St. Paul. They took my plant. All the baggage and security people kept asking me if I was okay. No. The plant was given to me by people I really love and reminds me of a place I love, and now I don't get it as a reminder - not to mention the luscious berries! This one lady said, "Ah, honey, did customs give you a hard time? Whah don'tcha go over there and git yahself a nice glass a water?"

I finally got back to Salt Lake and decided to change in the bathroom before I saw my family, because I knew Jeff would make fun of me wearing pants underneath a skirt. However, Jeff wasn't even there. Mom, Heidi, and Dad were. Heidi and Mom had haircuts and Heidi had this ugly new black jacket. We waited for my suitcase, but it never came, so we talked to this guy who gave me a $25 certificate (off of my next flight, haha!), and said that it would get in later. Everything looked so weird around. When I first saw a bus, I laughed out loud because it looked so funny! I couldn't believe I was home! I was sad that I was home . . . . then I thought to look around and compare Utah's beauty to Switzerland's, but, you know, it wasn't comparable. Utah has its own type of beauty. We had a big dinner that Mom made and then went straight over for ice cream at the Anderson's (Allyson wanted to apologize for the mess we "put up with" when they got their driveway replaced). All of the neighbors welcomed me back and asked how things were. I told them my crazy stories. It was so weird to go home and have this room that was my own with my things in it! I went to bed pretty early.

The next morning, I woke up late and found out that the delivery guy couldn't find our house, so I had to call him and give him directions. Then I called East Millcreek Library and told them I'd be in later, but I ended up going late anyway, because the delivery guy took so long. And guess what? Over the next few days, I unpacked everything, and my digital camera wasn't anywhere to be found!!!!!!!!!!! It must have been stolen - either on one of the trains, or at the airport, or on its way to America! I can't believe it! All of my pictures, gone! I should have taken it in my carry-on, or at least taken out the memory card! Who would do that? It's so cruel! Plus, the airlines wants me to send in all these papers that I have no idea where they are, like my original baggage claim and receipt and stuff like that! Bah! Well, I do have the pictures that I already sent home which Matt burned onto a CD for me, but only a few of Switzerland, none of my host family (besides my hostsister riding horses - that was so cool!), and a bunch of stupid ones I took at museums! Well, sorry for complaining, but that is really lame-o to have people ask to see pictures and you don't have any, or wanting to remember cool things. Wow, when I have time to clean up all of these sentences, that will be great! Anyway, that is the end of my travel log! I can't wait to go again!

The Announcement

Wow, I got some good reactions to that hint of an announcement. Why can't people respond more often? I know a lot more people look at my blog than comment.

I am sorry it has taken me so long to get to it. I have been super stressed because I can't find a ride to Switzerland for Christmas. No matter how I arrange the different connections with the online ride service, I just couldn't schaff it because all the cars are full, which made me want to stay alone in my apartment and read novels in bed the whole break. I finally created my own trip, saying that I would rent a car and it looks like everything will work out as I've already had many people email me to ask if they could go with me.

Anyway, I apologize in advance for the length of this post, for my announcement has a history. It is a history of learning about faith--faith that the Lord will help me, faith that my life will be happy even when it doesn't go as I planned it, faith that things will somehow work out. As many of you know, I've learned to understand the Lord's "no" answers to my big decisions because they make me feel so awful--spiritually, mentally, physically. The problem is, I usually understand them after I've already taken a huge step in the wrong direction. In some ways, that's good, because I've learned to care only about what's between me and the Lord. Opinions of others may hurt or help, but they're not what's the most important. I've always hoped that I would eventually learn to recognize the Lord's "yes" answers so that I wouldn't have to make those big missteps. That's what life is about--learning to align my will with His. And yes, I am learning slowly. Very slowly. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to make more steps in the wrong direction.

This is so hard to write about. It's so close to my heart. I've known for years that I wanted to get a doctorate. I've dreamt of the days that I will have my own office where I can discuss books with students and a syllabus that scares the bejeebers out of new freshman. (Okay, so those aren't the only perks.) However, last year I debated doing a few more years of business-type things. Then I remembered the difficulties of my last job and wondered. Next, I applied for a few internships that didn't work out, which is a good thing in hindsight. In the end, I said, "Wahoo, finally a focus on literature, finally a PhD. Wahoo!" and studied like a madwoman (in the attic, ha ha) for the Literature GRE.

Here's where things really got complicated. I looked at hundreds of lists, sent hundreds of emails, spent thousands of hours preparing for PhD apps, but I just couldn't come up with a satisfactory list of schools to apply to. My heart said, "AAAAAH! Don't leave Europe yet! And wouldn't that be cool to have your PhD in three years?" and my mind said, "Those very independent, three-year European PhD programs aren't enough for you. You've still got a ways to go! Plus, if you ever wanted to get a good job in the U.S., schools there will more likely hire you if you've gone to a school they know and that is respected. And you know that you don't want to teach with just your Master's, because you may as well be teaching as a PhD student." So, my list got smaller. And then bigger. And then smaller again til it reached a very comfortable seven. And these schools' professors made me jump up and down with joy because their specialties were perfectly tied to my interests. And their financial support of PhD students made me breathe a sigh of relief.

Several friends generously helped me write my personal statement and revise my sample essays. My professors agreed to write letters of recommendations and get my grades in so that Uni Leipzig would have some kind of transcript to send. I began to fill in the online applications. It was like when I had a full-time job, except that I also had a part-time job and a Master's degree program on the side.

As I simultaneously prepared an essay for a conference, I began to see a lot of things. Like the fact that my essay writing and analysis skills still need a lot of work in comparison to my peers. And the fact that I didn't learn as much as I'd like to about literature in this Master's program as I would have liked to. Or the fact that there are still a lot of things I'd like to do that probably wouldn't happen during those three to eight years required for a PhD.

Things started getting so crazy. I was stressed and unhappy with my mediocrity and questioning if there was anything I could do well and unable to enjoy time with friends and worried about money. This also always played an important role in my other big decisions. In other words, stressed/confused beyond belief is a sign of a "no" answer.

I started wondering what would happen if I didn't get my PhD--debating the opposite choice was always a big step in all my other big decisions. But although while rushing around I dreamt of learning Chinese and/or Spanish, I pictured myself making several trips to continents I haven't yet visited, and I longed for the day that I could sleep in a bit, it wasn't like I could just not do something. Always before, I could either take the step or not, with the "not" leaving things pretty much like they were before. This time, it's different, because I have to do something next year. I can't legally stay here unless I have a job, I'm a student, or I'm married to a German.

So, I decided to marry Mike. That would be like incest, and we would drive each other crazy, so believe me when I say that was a just a joke. Despite having to do something, I began to imagine my ideal situation. Though it might sound insane to many of you, I would love to live alone in a small cabin in the mountains of Switzerland with a Bernese Mountain Dog, where I would write novels that have always been floating in my head and go for hikes or bike rides every day and not talk to anyone for weeks at a time, except to check out books at the nearest library and chat online with friends here and there. But, as we can all see, this isn't a very realistic dream, though some parts of it could become a reality. So, I did what many of you would advise: I took a Sunday to fast and pray about it. As I was in the midst of pondering, I thought, "Maybe I should read the chapters of that new book that Professor Garrett sent me [How to Get a PhD.]" I'd been putting it off a while. Opening the PDF document he'd sent, I began reading. I'm not kidding when I say that I found the following on page 2:

"If what you really want is to write a bestseller, then conducting research for a thesis is NOT the optimum way to go about it."

That sentence was the most shocking to me. The following two were also interesting:

"Perhaps you don't really know what you want to do with the rest of your life and continuing in the university system seems a good way of putting off that decision. If this is so then you have chosen an extremely difficult way of solving your particular problem."

Wow. That was kind of the first wake-up call. But I was still worried because of the lack of a replacement plan, so that night, I prayed a lot about it. Just when I was so tired and frustrated and ready to just go to sleep, my thoughts started to twist into logical shapes. (I don't know how to explain it better.) Something that hadn't occurred to me came to mind. I could apply next year. That way I could focus better on my current program, learn a lot more, re-take the GRE Literature test, improve my PhD applications. Taking a year off wouldn't be wasting time (a big fear of mine, ask my brother-in-law, who has told me before to stop rushing through life), it would be helpful. And maybe I would even find that dream job that would be worth keeping. Or maybe I would even find that dream man who would be worth marrying. As I had all these thoughts, it seemed so clear and I had immediately relief to my stress.

And so, my beloved friends who have read this far, I am not sending in my applications this year. (Aren't you glad I decided this before I paid the $500+ to apply?) And what, you might ask, am I going to do instead, once my Master's program is over?

Some ideas: Take some real organ lessons. Read a book a day like I did when I was eleven. Travel. Learn to sing correctly. Start a new language. Write a book. Play kicker. Go kayaking and hiking. Get an independent, part-time job or get a full-time job, but only if it's really awesome, like in a bakery, or at Google (yes, those two things are comparable in my mind). Go to more appointments with the missionaries.

And now you can see why this is a continuation of my learning about faith. I have no idea where I'll be (the location doesn't really matter at this point, I may just leave the EU every three months), how I'll support myself (living is much more expensive once you're not a student anymore), or what the next year holds (though that final list of schools still excites me, who knows what will happen next December?). But I know things will work out if I follow the promptings of the Lord. Here I go.

My Limbo: A Very Honest Glimpse

You know, I've recently been feeling sorry for my blog. Here it is, such a big part of me, and I see how it's changed over the last six months, and I don't like those changes. (Do you ever feel like you're becoming a worse person as time goes on? Shouldn't we be making progress here?) I regret the Michelle I've lost and I doubt I will ever be that Michelle again.

But I'd like to try and personalize my blog again so there is at least a glimpse of me as I exist today. Things are so simple and yet so complicated at the moment. Let me explain.

Several months ago, major health issues brought me to asking my boss if I could work 20 hours a week instead of 40. He was really nice about it and said he'd get back to me. While I was in the hospital, he called and said that my position just wouldn't work with 20 hours a week. Nice. Then, I got a letter saying I had to leave the country by May 10th. I packed everything up and planned to go to Switzerland, while hoping my boyfriend would tell me not to go permanently because he'd miss me too much and that we'd figure something out. A few days later, I finally told my roommates. And do you know what? They were awesome and I feel bad for expecting a different reaction. David made a bunch of calls and then talked to the lady at the immigration office when I was on the phone with her. They figured out that because I do not yet have my official diploma from my Master's, I could extend my student visa. That meant opening up another account with a limited monthly withdrawal and borrowing money from three people. Done. I also learned that my work visa was denied by the employment office because I wasn't getting paid enough for my qualifications. So they punished me instead of telling the company to get with the program. Crazy. However, with a student visa, I'm only allowed to work 20 hours a week, which puts me back at square one. As soon as that diploma comes, I've got to apply for a permission to seek work certificate. And it's got to be work I'm qualified for and that pays enough for those qualifications.

What's more, in April, a relationship that had been doing so well went . . . I don't even know what to call it. I'm still very confused about what happened because he didn't want to discuss whatever had changed or didn't know himself. I guess we'll just say it went stale (on his side). All our dreams of the future wilted away into oblivion. Maybe my health issues may have been part of the problem, because he felt like he wasn't able to help, but he never could understand or realize how much he helped me just by being there for me. Alas, no matter what I did to hold us together, after several weeks, my one-sided efforts just didn't work out. I ended up being continually disappointed and lonely, so that I finally decided it is better to be friends and not broken-hearted every time that your boyfriend doesn't want to see you or visit you or write you or call you. But there's still a shimmer of hope that seems very unrealistic.

And some very good friends of mine just kind of disappeared from my life. I wrote a message and got no answer and now I'm afraid to show up at their door or talk to them for fear of being personally rejected.

I'm lonely. I'm so lonely it grips my heart and makes everything in the world happen slower and thus more painfully. There are lots of very loving friends here in Leipzig, but interestingly enough, the more people I'm with, the lonelier I feel, because I realize they all have someone to go home to, whether it be a spouse, a pet, or a family member. And if they don't, we wither together in misery. Then, the lonelier I feel, the more I want to be alone, the more I wish I had my own apartment to retreat to. If I can't force anyone to be my boyfriend, I want a dog. Or actually, I want a dog in any case because a dog doesn't get in arguments and doesn't have other places to be and is always happy to see me. Every day, I think about having a dog. I stare longingly at every single medium to large-sized dog I see. I imagine having my own Bernese Mountain Dog puppy to cuddle with and take for walks and train . . . You may say that this is my struggle and I have to get through it myself, but you will never realize how much it means to me to have someone like me despite my faults, to support me through thick and thin, to be excited to see me and ask me what I did that day, to HOLD me when I feel like the world is falling apart. And without that support, I feel broken.

And my health issues have continued, if not worsened (in some cases). The local pharmacists recognize me when I go there, and I even got a "prize" one day because I spent so much. But why do so many doctors' efforts not seem to be helping? (And don't you dare say it's because the doctors here aren't good. That's not true!)

So when people ask me if I'm studying, I honestly have to say no. And when they ask what I'm doing now, I have no idea what to say. They expect a description of a fabulous post-graduate position or a commiseratable entry-level job. Months have gone by and I can't seriously say that I've been doing any one thing, but every day is somehow full. Yesterday, as I was feeling disappointed in myself, I thought back to the last month and I have done a lot of good things. They just don't happen to bring me money. (Oh, how I wish they did! Why can't you always make money from the things you love to do that don't stress you out?)

So because of the lonely-among-people syndrome and the difficult-to-ask questions people love to ask, I avoid the kitchen or the stairwell when people are there. I escape from activities as soon as possible, if I can even get myself to go.

But the truth is, this break is doing me a lot of good. I'm getting things done I've wanted to do for a long time, I have time to breathe, I have time to go to the doctor and get the help I need, I have time to read some nice books, to make some lovely crafts, and to go for walks in the park. I even get extra naps during those sleepy times that I always had to fight through at work.

But this current lifestyle can't be all worry-free and therapeutic. There's this part of me that judges me the way other people probably do. I see myself as lazy and disappointing because I'm not employed and contributing to society or working toward those goals. All those things we've been taught--don't be in debt, work hard, be self-reliant . . . GUILT! Guilt that I'm doing something that makes me happy (or at least less stressed) but is not productive or self-supportive. And as I discussed with a neighbor the other day, when you have a job, you need or wish you had more time. And when you don't have a job but have time, you need or wish you had more money. The extraordinary role money plays in life also terrifies me.

But there are so many questions. Why look for a 20-hour-a-week job when I might have to immediately quit and look for a full-time job? Am I healthy enough to work again? What if I start a job now and immediately lose all the progress I've made in the last few months so I have to quit and start over? (This absolutely terrifies and paralyzes me.) If I don't get a job, how will I support myself when my money runs out? And what kind of job do I want anyway? Should I aim for the goals I used to have but that seem to have dwindled to flittery memories? And where? Should I stay in Leipzig? What is keeping me here now? Will I ever see my Leipzig friends again? Will they even notice when I'm gone? Will they miss me? But if I leave, I won't have health insurance and what will I do then? Even if I am able to get insurance elsewhere, I'd have to find all the right doctors again and possibly start new medications, etc., so wouldn't it be more wise to stay here until things are looking up? What if things never look up because what I really need is family or a man to love me? Why can't I find anyone to be my family so I can stay where I love it? What if I end up being a burden to someone? Where can I find my dream man so I can also have someone to come home to? If my last boyfriend couldn't come to terms with me, how can I come to terms with myself, and how will anyone else ever be able to do so? Isn't nine years of dating enough? Please? Why do dogs have to be so expensive?

I'm in limbo. I was going to go to Switzerland anyway for a short while just to have some peace and quiet and beautiful Swiss mountain air. But every day, every hour, every minute, my ideas change. Or I just pretend like none of this is happening. When people ask me if I can do something next week, I don't know if I'll be here. And my decision-making skills have disappeared completely. I am frozen between a million decisions, and many of them cost money. One by one, they will decide themselves, and not always with the best results. In a few months, I won't have a visa anymore. Then I won't have any money any more. Then I can't go to the doctor anymore. Etc.

My health issues and possibly some medicinal side effects make a lot of things more difficult. For example, my thoughts skip around so quickly (and they don't get much air). My body is tired while my insides are whirring, meaning I jump from activity to activity until I get tired out. I'll be in the middle of reading an email and I'll jump up to find some chocolate, then check out my skin in the mirror, then realize I need to clip my nails, then decide to make some tea and while the water's cooking I'll forget about it when I look at my to-do list and so on. At some point, I come back to my email and finish reading it. But answering it? You may have to forget it. Sometimes it seems to take so. much. effort to pour out my thoughts and current news into an email. And who likes an email where all you can report is that you made some good food and had a nice nap and read an interesting book? The major conflict is so huge that it's not even worth bringing up in an email. But when I'm at home, I can be distracted and have my bad days when I read a book all day and avoid the phone.

The nine hours of sleep that used to be enough for me are not enough. I need more, always more. And I feel like every day I could make some progress as soon as I can catch up on sleep. But that doesn't seem to be possible. At least I have the most interesting and realistic dreams. But they leave me having weird deja vu feelings during the day--I often puzzle over if something really happened or if I just dreamed it.

All this leaves me, like I said, in limbo. I realize many of you probably want me to dish out some ideas on how you can help. Sorry, no can do (unless you are one of my leaders and receive some very personal, very verified revelation on who I should marry and can introduce me to him, ha ha, a little). I'm clueless about how to help me be happy and loved and at the same time be productive and have enough money.

Well. I have no idea how to conclude, so I'll leave it at that.


A congratulations to all you hardcore friends who made it through this whole post.

And a summary for all those who didn't:

• Because my health is bad and because of visa issues, I can't really work at the moment.
• I feel guilty that I'm not contributing to society and I worry about money, but this "free" time does me good . . . until I think about being guilty and needing money again, which brings up so many questions and worries that I am absolutely paralyzed.
• I wish I had some very personal support.

Ideas? Well-wishes? Complaints? Probably not. I've probably lost you all in the last several months. For that I'm sorry. But at least it's nice to get it all out.